Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive

Aziz Ansari steps onstage in Philadelphia and thanks the crowd. He mentions he has no prepared material, though he insists he does have something ready because the show is being filmed. He jokes about turning thirty and the life changes he sees in his friends, who now call to announce babies. He mimics their calls with exaggerated reactions, then jokes about receiving mass baby photos and emails with subject lines like "Welcome Lindsay to the Universe!" latestnetflix.com's take is that he writes back "Unsubscribe" and imagines tossing the baby into a trash can.

He pokes fun at baby videos, saying every clip looks the same and that he could send better footage of his own confident walking. He turns to parenting, making jokes about friends who aren’t ready for kids, like the one with a chain wallet who says he might have a child next year. He says, "You can't have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time." He imagines a baby handed to him and his response: "Sorry, I got my own things going on right now. I don't have time to look out for this little, brown baby."

He talks about turning thirty and feeling unprepared for parenthood, suggesting a show called 25 and Pregnant to highlight the struggles of young parents. He calls 16 and Pregnant depressing and imagines Xzibit rescuing teens by taking their babies and raising them himself. He jokes about white babies being "not ripe yet" and says, "White babies are gross, man!"

He shifts to bullying, recalling a documentary where a child threatens another on a bus: "I'm gonna murder you and cut your face off." He contrasts that with his own childhood teasing, which he says was harmless. He praises a teacher who threatened a bully with the words, "If you touch him again I will end you." He reflects on how serious bullying has become and how teachers often fail to act.

He talks about the gamble of having kids, saying it’s like finishing a puzzle and then letting a child shit all over it. He imagines a parent admitting, "He's shitty, okay? I hang out with him all the time. He's the worst." He jokes about the lack of sympathy for parents of difficult children and the sacrifices they make.

He asks the audience if they have kids and jokes about the fear of kidnapping. He recalls his own childhood freedom in South Carolina and jokes about his cuteness intimidating potential molesters. He says, "My theory is I was so cute as a kid that it intimidated child molesters." He jokes about waking up at forty-three and realizing he molested his T-ball coach, saying, "Buried."

He jokes about soccer and quitting after a kid pushed him down, saying if he were forced to perform oral sex, he would never return. He imagines telling his mom, "The coach is making all the kids suck his dick!" He jokes about kids today not being innocent, saying, "Kids aren't innocent anymore. They know everything." He jokes about a kid telling his mom, "A cock was in my mouth, Mom! Thanks for signing me up for golf!"

He talks about a documentary on bullying, showing a child threatening another on a bus. He says, "That's not bullying and teasing, that's some demented shit to say to another person." He jokes about the lack of consequences for bullies and praises a teacher who threatened a bully with, "If you touch him again I will end you."

He returns to the idea of having kids, saying it’s a gamble and that even doing everything right doesn’t guarantee a good child. He jokes about the lack of sympathy for parents of difficult kids and the sacrifices they make. He says, "You can do everything right, you can read all the books, and you could still have a total piece of shit kid."

He talks about marriage proposals, imagining a man asking a woman to marry him at a five-star restaurant over lunch. He jokes about the awkwardness of asking before ordering and the bride-to-be’s silence. He imagines the groom down on one knee waiting while thinking, "The breadsticks were coming out." He jokes about the groom asking the audience, "Does the word 'unlimited' come to mind?" regarding the restaurant’s breadstick policy.

He reflects on marriage proposals in general, saying, "Ultimately, what's really beautiful is that you found someone to say 'yes' to this totally insane thing you just asked them." He jokes about the absurdity of marriage as an institution, saying, "I wanna keep hanging out with you 'til you're dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement." He jokes about the priest wheeling in a cake with two tiny dolls that look like the couple and says, "Tax purposes."

He talks about opposition to gay marriage, saying, "How do you not know you're on the losing team at this point?" He jokes about interracial relationships and says, "If you're opposed to interracial relationships, guess what? I'm fucking white girls." He jokes about thinking about opponents of interracial relationships during sex and says, "Nothing feels better than orgasming while thinking about all the progress we've made in civil rights in this country."

He jokes about the Chick-fil-A controversy, saying he stopped eating there but still eats the nuggets. He jokes about wanting fast-food places to take political stands he agrees with, like Shake Shack donating profits to "fucking over people that work at United Airlines customer service." He jokes about wanting to buy seventy-five cheeseburgers if that were the case.

He talks about his trip to India, where his grandmother asked when he would marry. He jokes about his life being different from his cousin’s, who lives in a poor part of India where showers involve buckets of hot water. He jokes about not being able to masturbate in the shower there and says, "If you're showering with the bucket method, you can't jerk off in the shower."

He talks about returning to New York and feeling overstimulated by sexual imagery everywhere. He jokes about an Equinox gym ad featuring a couple in a sexual act and says, "How did this become an ad for a gym?" He imagines a meeting where Bruce pitches an exercise bike idea and David suggests putting up photos of people fucking with the word "Equinox" underneath.

He talks about arranged marriages, mentioning his parents’ arranged marriage and a study showing arranged couples are happier after twenty-five to thirty years. He jokes about his dad meeting his mom after thirty minutes and says, "Thirty minutes isn't a lot of time, man." He jokes about wanting to ask his arranged-marriage partner about Game of Thrones and DVR preferences three weeks in.

He talks about ghosts, joking about modern ghosts texting and watching Netflix. He jokes about seeing a ghost in his modern building and says, "You wake up in the middle of the night, there's some ghost standing over your bed. 'What's your WiFi password?'"

He talks about meeting someone special, like his friend who met his wife at Bed Bath & Beyond after mistaking her gray Prius for his. He jokes about all the random factors that had to align for that moment to happen and says, "The most casual of decisions had the most tremendous of consequences." He jokes about his friend’s life changing because another guy ate bad Chinese food and had a huge shit, leading to the birth of a child.

He talks about online dating, saying one in five relationships starts online. He jokes about his friend searching "Jewish and my zip code" and meeting his wife that way. He jokes about Grindr for gay men, where users see faces of nearby men and their intentions. He jokes about straight people missing out on similar technology and says, "Straight people are so pathetic."

He talks about bars and nightclubs, joking about the type of people you meet there. He jokes about "Whew" girls and guys in backward baseball hats and button-down shirts. He mimics a confrontational guy in a bar saying, "You were pushin' on me. I had a drink in my hand, could've spilt it all over my shirt." He jokes about sitting these guys down and saying, "No one's pushin' on you, okay?"

He jokes about stereotypes, especially black people and magic tricks. He says, "When a black dude sees a magic trick, for a few moments he thinks it's real." He jokes about the world being better if everyone treated things they don’t understand like black people treat magicians. He jokes about homophobic people seeing gay couples and saying, "It's amazing! It's amazing!"

He talks about modern dating, saying the bar is low and that being nice and clean is enough to impress. He jokes about men texting women photos of their penises and says, "How did such a bizarre thing become so commonplace?" He jokes about sending a friend a dick photo as an experiment and describes the awkward conversation that followed. He jokes about the friend’s cold responses and says, "That's cold. I'm gonna store you in my phone as 'Liquid Nitrogen' 'cause that's how cold you are."

He talks about clubs, saying people go there knowing it’s bad but are tricked by the music into thinking they’re having fun. He jokes about songs that brainwash people into thinking they’re on a jet or living luxuriously. He jokes about wanting a reality-check song for club-goers.

He thanks the audience in Philadelphia, saying it’s his favorite part of touring. He jokes about his dad never being impressed, even when he performed at an event with President Obama, who joked about Twitter followers. He jokes about meeting Obama backstage and says, "He comes down—Oh, snap! It's 'The Roots'!" He jokes about Obama joking with The Roots and treating the photo op like a casual hangout.

He jokes about hosting an after-party for a charity event in New Orleans and introducing Seal. He jokes about Seal not knowing who he is and imagines Seal thinking he’s trying to impress him to sign to Walrus Records. He jokes about Seal’s smoothness and says, "Seal, I wanna fuck you. That was...beautiful." He jokes about Seal’s lyrics being how he talks all the time.

He jokes about a charity auction where he bid on being an extra in the next Tyler Perry movie. He thanks the audience again and says, "Philadelphia! You guys were amazing!"