Ali Wong: Baby Cobra

The show opens with a male announcer welcoming Ali Wong to the stage. She rushes on, jokes about needing to pee, and thanks the crowd. She says turning 33 has sharpened her envy of younger women’s effortless bodies and sleep. latestnetflix.com's view is that she jokes that everyone has HPV and that her doctor told her she either has a strain that may turn into cervical cancer or one her body will heal from.She calls herself either doomed or Wolverine.

She says her Kindle has become a self-help library and jokes about wanting to declutter her life to achieve inner peace. She recalls trying to clean with her mother, who refused to throw away even a Texas Instruments TI-82 manual. She says she turned 33, got married, and jokes about giving her husband HPV and that he gave her something that will last forever.

She jokes about dating skaters and says her husband is far better looking than she is and attended Harvard Business School. She says she trapped him by not kissing him until the fifth date, treating her body like a secret garden. She recalls a sexual encounter in the back of her Volvo with a man she later realized was homeless.

She jokes about Asian-American women dating white men and says nothing makes her feel more powerful than when a white man performs oral sex on her. She says she and her husband, who is half-Filipino and half-Japanese, share a language of shitting on Korean people. She jokes about Asian-American men being underrated and says they smell like responsibility.

She recalls their first date at a restaurant called Pho Show, where she told him it wasn’t authentic Vietnamese food. She jokes about her private-school upbringing and their shared hippie interests like backpacking, yoga, and ayahuasca ceremonies. She says they sometimes feel like white people doing an impression of Asian people, with Chinese scrolls they don’t understand and a Buddha piggy bank from Pier 1 Imports.

She says she pressured her boyfriend to propose and describes how she manipulated him into it. She jokes about buying her wedding dress the Tuesday after the engagement because she had tried it on years earlier. She jokes about being soft and domestic with her husband and packing his lunch daily as an investment in her financial future.

She jokes about rejecting Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” philosophy and says she wants to lie down instead of leaning in. She jokes that feminism ruined things by making women work and that housewives are geniuses who have retired. She jokes about the horrors of office toilets and toilet paper and says housewives don’t have to muffle their farts.

She jokes about her co-workers losing credibility after she hears them pass gas loudly in the office bathroom. She recalls a conversation with her father-in-law about money and says she trapped her husband for his earning potential. She jokes about giving up work and dieting since marriage and says she now eats fried chicken skin daily to fulfill her destiny of becoming a circle with eyelashes.

She jokes about being a pervert who started watching porn young and says the Internet always catches up with one’s desires. She jokes about breaking up with a boyfriend who refused anal sex and says women aren’t afraid of pain but of poop on a penis. She jokes that anal sex can feel like a second chance at life and fantasizes about helping men discover their prostate.

She jokes about the fear men feel when women touch their anuses and says she likes that fear. She jokes about asking her husband to spank her and says the most controlling women want to be roughed up in bed. She jokes about wanting to be choked so she can’t talk and stop being the boss.

She jokes about Sheryl Sandberg’s campaign to ban the word “bossy” and says the new phrase is just a roundabout way of calling someone a cunt. She jokes about wanting to become a housewife who can afford sliced mango from Whole Foods and stroll past quarters without picking them up. She jokes that Asian-Americans should never go paintballing with a Vietnam veteran.

She announces she is seven and a half months pregnant and jokes that female comics don’t perform while pregnant. She jokes that male comics become relatable family funny men after having babies while mothers are at home chapping their nipples. She jokes that her friends discouraged her from having a child and says she decided to have one because she’s 33 and her pussy is not as wet as it used to be.

She jokes about using Plan B like candy in her 20s and says her uterus probably looked like a smoker’s lung. She jokes about inserting progesterone suppositories nightly and having to scratch herself discreetly at work. She jokes about trying to discreetly smell her fingers after scratching and says housewives can scratch and sniff all day.

She jokes about the clinical nature of trying to conceive in her 30s and says she only had sex during ovulation. She jokes about wanting his sperm pent-up and angry so it would feel like releasing the Kraken. She jokes about giving her husband hand jobs most of the time and says when he closes his eyes during sex he’s imagining two Latina lesbians he saw on RedTube.

She jokes about the universal look men get when about to finish and says she would ask him to look her in the eye and come with intention. She jokes about twerking on him and turning upside down to ensure the Harvard nectar drains inside her. She jokes about being grateful to be pregnant at seven and a half months after having a miscarriage the previous year.

She jokes that her mother shrugged off the miscarriage and says she told her husband to watch while she miscarried on the toilet. She jokes about using the miscarriage as leverage to get him to take her to see Beyoncé and buy her a Craigslist bike. She jokes about being scared of childbirth and planning to hire a doula she describes as a white hippie witch who blows quinoa into the pussy.

She jokes that women tried to scare her by saying she would poop on the table during labor and says she looks forward to it. She jokes about the soft-serve lever moment when pushing makes you shit in front of your husband and then a baby comes out and he has to stay. She jokes about already feeling resentful toward her husband and refusing to do housework while pregnant.

She jokes about the double standard in parenting praise and says people praise her husband for attending doctor appointments while she’s the one getting blood drawn. She jokes that if she does mushrooms seven months pregnant she’s a bad mommy. She jokes about berating her husband daily to keep him down so he doesn’t leave her and says she has to chip away at his self-esteem for survival.

She jokes about her nipples getting huge and dark during pregnancy so the baby can find them like a bullseye. She jokes that her nipples look like Whoppers and naked she resembles a Minion. She jokes about not rushing to get her body back after pregnancy and says if she does a nude scene people will commend her courage.

She jokes that her pussy is wet again at seven and a half months but it’s different mucus protecting the baby, not the soldier glue of her youth. She jokes about dating losers before meeting her dream guy who is way more handsome and out of her league. She jokes about trapping him, getting married, and becoming pregnant, and then discovering he was $70,000 in debt two weeks into escrow.

She jokes that she paid off his debt with her TV money and says it turns out he trapped her. She jokes that maybe he Enron’d her because he went to Harvard Business School. She jokes that now if she doesn’t work they die and says that’s why she’s performing seven and a half months pregnant. She thanks the audience and closes the show.