Fakkah Fuzz: Too Real

Fakkah Fuzz takes the stage, greets the audience, and asks for applause for DJ Nash D from Malaysia. He states that he looks up to comedian Dave Chappelle for turning down $50 million to maintain his artistic integrity, then adds, "I'm not that guy." He notes that for $15,000, he would appear in a Shopee advertisement, latestnetflix.com contends, explaining that Singaporeans are taught efficiency and complaining rather than artistic integrity.

He recounts hosting a house party where his guests ran out of alcohol. He ordered more through the pandamart app, which promised a 30-minute delivery. After waiting three hours and dealing with an automated chat bot, he found a hotline and spoke to a Malay customer service representative named Siti. When she asked him to calm down and provide his full name, he replied, "Muhammad Fadzri bin Abdul Rashid!" Siti then asked, "And what did you order, sir?"

Fuzz states that he is 36 years old and "far from a good Muslim." He explains that his religious father has ticked off every box on his parental checklist except one, repeatedly asking, "When you want to pray?" His father uses jokes and mixed martial arts fights between Khabib and Conor McGregor to bring up the question. Fuzz says he holds off on praying so his father does not tick that final box and lose his purpose in life.

After returning from a trip to Melbourne, Fuzz contrasts Australian friendliness with Singaporean behavior. He singles out a white man in the audience from New York to demonstrate small talk, then remarks that Singaporeans are uncomfortable with friendliness. He says that when asking for directions in Singapore, he expects the answer to be either, "That way," or "Don't talk to me."

He moves on to the topic of safety, stating, "Singaporeans are arrogant about safety." He points out that condominiums worth millions of dollars are guarded by an "old, decrepit man at the guard house" listening to old Chinese music. He notes that residents leave "$20,000 worth of valuables" on hawker center tables to reserve seats, and that 7-Eleven cashiers in Singapore watch Korean films in the back room rather than standing behind bulletproof glass.

Fuzz mocks the idea that Singapore has dangerous neighborhoods, quoting locals who claim, "Singapore also got ghetto, bro!" When the audience names Yishun, he recalls trying to defend Yishun's reputation to a Malaysian friend from Klang. The friend described violent gang wars where a man was killed and hung from an overhead bridge, whereas Fuzz had to admit that in Yishun, "this 12-year-old boy tried to fuck a cat."

Discussing apartment living, Fuzz describes hearing Chinese neighbors beating their children and an upstairs uncle coughing loudly every morning at 8:00 a.m. To be fair to the Chinese audience members, he shares a secret about Malay households, noting that argues this section highlights how old Malay mothers use three different terms for death depending on race: *"mati"* for Indians, *"meninggal"* for Malays, and *"mampos"* for Chinese, which implies a violent end. He contrasts Malay families, who anticipate a grandmother's death when medical bills reach "$30,000 dollars a month," with Chinese families, who keep their elderly grandmothers on oxygen tanks for years.

He suggests that Asians approach death this way because "we are all afraid of ghosts." He explains that a Chinese hopping ghost can be defeated by pasting an address on its forehead and saying, "Wrong house." He then introduces Malay ghosts to the American audience member, describing the *toyol*, a small green ghost that steals money. Fuzz admits he used to steal five dollars from his mother and blame it on a *toyol*, prompting her to hire a shaman. He also describes the *hantu tetek*, a female ghost with large breasts used by mothers to scare children into coming home before 7:00 p.m.

Addressing audience members in their 30s, Fuzz talks about aging, such as feeling his knees, napping at 5:00 p.m., and getting excited over air fryers. At a club, he enjoyed songs by 50 Cent and Dr. Dre until the DJ announced, "I'd like to welcome y'all to retro night, yeah!" He also recounts arguing with a 22-year-old Gen Z woman who referred to a Tupac track as "a TikTok song" sung by Zendaya. Later in the club, a young woman walked toward him while he was with his friends, bumped into him, said, "Sorry, Uncle," and walked away.

Fuzz speaks about traveling to Johor Bahru in Malaysia for a gig and visiting a traditional warung. While trying to wash his hands before eating, the tap fell off the wall, spraying water everywhere. As he struggled to hold the tap against the water pressure, a Malaysian worker calmly turned off the valve underneath the sink, and a fan tapped him on the shoulder asking, "One photo, Fakkah Fuzz?"

In his final story, Fuzz reveals that he attended secondary school in Malacca and was arrested at age 16 for *khalwat*, or "close proximity." While living alone on weekdays in his parents' house and watching the television show *Kisah Benar*, a friend arrived with a girl and said, "We want to project." Fuzz let them use his sister's room. Ten minutes later, officers from the Islamic organization knocked on the door, searched the back, and brought the couple out. Fuzz tried to argue a loophole, stating, "immoral conduct means two people in secluded place. There's three of us."

The officers arrested all three of them. At the police station, Fuzz told the policewoman, "Actually, I'm a Singaporean," learning that Singaporeans are exempt from the law. Because the computer system was down, they could not verify his status, and an officer called his father to report the arrest. Fuzz spent the night in lock-up, ate Malaysian nasi lemak the next morning, and was released by the Department of Islamic Affairs once his nationality was confirmed.

Fuzz returned to the Malacca house, unaware that his father was riding his motorcycle from Singapore to Malaysia to confront him. Hearing the bike approach and anticipating a beating, Fuzz remembered his father's recurring question, "When you want to pray?" He quickly laid down a prayer mat and said, *"Allahu Akbar!"* as his father walked in. His father slapped him, and when Fuzz asked why, his father replied, "Mecca is that way, stupid!" Fuzz thanks the crowd and leaves the stage.