Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned

latestnetflix.com's view is that Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Fakkah Fuzz: Almost Banned.Please welcome to the stage Fakkah Fuzz.

What is up?

How many non-Malays in the house? Make some noise. How many Malays in the house? Make some noise.

We gotta be nice because this is an international filming, so there's white people over here. They gotta know who we are. Hello. Hi.

Sir, you're obviously not from Singapore. My name is Fuzz. I am a Malay from Singapore. If you are wondering what this is, this is what a Singaporean was supposed to look like.

Every country you go to, there is a race that looks like you, right? Right, you cannot be exotic if you are a Malay. You know, huh? If you go to the Philippines, you're Filipino, right? If you go to Thailand, you're Thai, right? If you go to the U.S., you are deported. Do you know what I'm saying?

Any Malaysians in the house?

Malaysia, man. You know... Malaysia is a great place, okay? But there are some things in Malaysia that they are good at, that we are not good at. We have to admit that, all right?

First of all, I didn't know how dangerous Malaysia was. I didn't know, okay? I didn't know. My friends told me, they said, "Fuzz, don't walk down the streets of Bukit Bintang at night, it is dangerous." I said, "Bro, I am Malay. Bro, if I ever get robbed, I can get my money back. It's probably my cousin. No problem."

I got robbed at knifepoint, you know, huh. And they all say, "Don't walk down here, it's quite dangerous. Don't walk down here, it's quite dangerous," right? And I got robbed at knifepoint. And it's not the fact that I got robbed that was weird, it's after the guy robbed me. He said, "You better be careful over here, quite dangerous." I'm like...

Crime can't work in Malaysia, man. It cannot. It cannot work in Malaysia the same way it works in Singapore. It can't. I give you the same crime.

What is the crime that's very common? Snatch theft by motorcycle, okay? Snatch theft by motorcycle. This is if it's in Malaysia. There is a pillion, there's a rider, and there's an unsuspecting woman.

"Okay, bro. Are you ready, bro?" I just assumed he's Malay. I assumed. "Okay, bro, get the bitch's purse, bro. Get the bitch's purse." "Go, go, go!" You will never see that person ever again, right?

In Singapore, it's a bit different. Pillion, rider, girl. "Okay, bro, get the bitch's purse, bro. Get the bitch's purse." "Go, go, go! Why did you stop?" "Traffic light, bro."

But, ladies and gentlemen, it is a good time to be a Malay in Singapore, I must say, because our president is Malay!

Because it's great, right? And, at first, when we heard that the presidential candidate was reserved for a Malay, this is how the Malay community responded in Singapore. "Look, we don't need your handouts, okay? We don't function on race-based politics like..." gibbers "Right, we are a meritocracy. If we want to make it to presidency, it must be on merit. Not because we are of a certain race. So we don't care if it's Malay, Chinese, Indian, others. As long as the person deserves the job, the person should get the job." Correct or not? Right? Right. And then they say, "You're not gonna take it?" "No, no, yes, we are. But we're very upset."

Because, ladies and gentlemen, it's a very good time to be Malay, right now that Halimah is president. Oh, my god, every good thing that happens in Singapore, we blame it on Halimah, you know, huh? "The weather is good today." "Halimah, bro." "Wow, there's sambal belacan today." "Halimah, bro." "You're 20 minutes late for work today." "I don't care. Halimah, bro."

Like I said, ladies and gentlemen, being Malay in Singapore is great.

But racism starts very early, right? When they ask you about your ambitions in school, when they ask an Indian guy, they go, "Rajah, what do you want to be in school?" Rajah, the kid says, "I want to be a lawyer." You know? Ask, "Mei-ling, what do you want to be when you grow up?" You know, Mei-ling says, "Oh, I want to be an accountant." Ask the Malay person, "What you want to be before you go to jail?"

I'm like, "Hey, come on."

But Chinese people, I know you guys are here, but you guys are racists sometimes, and you don't even know it. You don't even know it. Yeah, you don't even know it.

My friend came up to me and went, "Fuzz, Fuzz. I am very jealous... of all y'all Malay couple, you know. Because me and my wife married for five years." He goes, "Me and my wife, married for five years, cannot get baby." A Malay couple who are married for a year, baby is already nine years old."

I'm like, "Come on, man."

But our president is Malay, ladies and gentlemen. Our president is Malay, and it's a Malay auntie. Okay?

So, you know... Global discussions are gonna be very, very easy. Okay? We are going to win all of the discussions. Right? Because nobody guilt-trips you more than a Malay auntie, okay? Nobody!

You can be sitting down in the conference. Everybody looking at the Malay auntie going, "Singapore, we do not agree with your ways. This is not right, Singapore. You are wrong." And the Malay auntie can go, "Sure, I'm not as smart as you all are. Who am I anyway? I am not educated like all of you."

Saying that it's not right for a Malay. Saying that it's not right because we didn't vote them in. Huh? What is the president's job in Singapore? Shows up at National Day for 20 minutes, and sits down at the house for the rest of the year. That is a perfect job for a Malay. Okay?

Any Malay would love to do that!

And you know she will be with her friends on the phone all the time, right? Now, Singapore, we're gonna have all the intel from all over the world. Because an auntie is president, okay? "Do you want to know what China said yesterday? Yes. I'm not trying to say bad things about them. But their child is such a bitch. I'm not trying to bitch about them."

How is it? I don't understand this! I don't understand. You need subtitles, I get it. Just wait till the show comes out.

I don't understand how the aunties can go, "I am not talking bad about you, but I will proceed to talk bad about you, right?"

Imagine... Imagine cleaning up Singapore when a Malay auntie is president. That is gonna be so bad, right? Cleaning up Singapore is going to be such a hassle. Because the Malay auntie, man... Have your mom ever cleaned up your... You know she's not gonna shut up when she cleans your house, right? When a Malay auntie Halimah cleans the streets, "If I don't do it, no one else will. I'm your maid, aren't I?"

You like bald men? Is that your thing?

You know the size is, you know. "Proportionate." That's the word I was trying to think about right now!

Every race, creed, and color, we got to accept them, man. We got to accept them, you know.

I went to Sydney, okay. And I performed in a room like this, full of white people. And I got so nervous, because, never before in my life, have I seen so many white people, sir. Okay, I have never performed to so many white people before in my life. I have never been to a white person's house even when he's home.

And I love it. I love white people. One of the things I love about you guys, is that you guys can wear anything in Singapore. You can wear anything in Singapore and not be judged. Right? You can wear anything and just walk into Zara, or Topman. And you guys will get treated the same, right? You guys can wear like a SpongeBob outfit, you know, with pants on and sandals, right? You guys can walk in and the store owner will be like, "I think it's their culture. It's their culture." "Boss, the white man touched my breast." "Never mind, it's their culture. It is their culture." Right?

I, as a Malay brother, can walk into Zara, with a full suit, a silk tie, cuff links and leather shoes. A person will look at me and go, "The interview is tomorrow, okay?"

But my favorite type of white person, let me tell you who my favorite type, right, is, white American girls who come to Singapore, and experience Singapore for the first time. The moment they land in Singapore, okay, they touchdown, they look at Singapore, they go, "Oh, my god, so much culture! Oh, my god, Stacy, there's just so much culture here! Oh, my god, I met a friend of mine, his name is Mohammad, and for his birthday, he's a Muslim, so I bought him a Buddha. Oh, my god! What a cultural experience!"

Do you realize that American girls only try cultural stuff when it's the cool shit? You know, when it's like Holi, they're throwing colors at each other. "This is a cultural experience!" Or when it's yoga. "I'm a tree, namaste. I'm a tree, motherfuckers!" I wanna see white girls try the hardcore stuff, man. I wanna see you all try Ramadan for 30 days, and tell me if you like a cultural experience or not.

"Stacy, I'm so hungry, what's going on?" "I don't know, bitch, you gotta not eat for 30 days. You're bulimic!"

Oh, my god, I want white girls to try Thaipusam. "We stuck needles through our nipples and walked for five kilometers. This is a cultural experience!"

But they say, you experience racism, right? If you do experience racism, you got to make it work for you. And this is how I made it work for me, okay?

A friend of mine was about to drive me to a show. His name is Jonathan Atherton. Right, he's an Australian. He makes fun of Malays all the time. Any Australians in the house?

See, I don't get angry when Ozzies make fun of Malays, because they are kind of like the Malays of the white world, guys. Everybody knows that Malays plus alcohol equals Australian. Everybody knows that.

So this guy comes out with his French girlfriend and drives up. Okay, and he picks me up. Because, you know, we were on our way to a show at the Dutch Club. Right. He picks me up. With his French girlfriend in the front, and I'm in the back, right. We're on our way to a show. Okay, and as we were sitting in, a Malay family pulls up right next to us in a Subaru. And he looks at Jon. And Jon looks at him. And both of them smile and nod. And Jon turns back to me and goes, "You see that, mate? We immediately connected, because my car is more Malay than his car."

I said, "Jon, that's not why you connected." He said, "Why?" "Because he saw me in the backseat and thinks that I have a white driver."

You got to make it work for you, brother! You got to make it work for you, man.

You know, a lot of Malaysians, um... You know, we... Malaysians and Singaporeans, you know, we try to be friends most of the time, right? But they always say that Singapore is a strict place, right? We are a very strict place. We are a place full of rules. But they've got some crazy-ass rules in Malaysia, dude. Some crazy rules.

Do you know that in Malaysia, you cannot eat during Ramadan if you're a Muslim, otherwise, you will get arrested, right? You get arrested and jailed in Malaysia. You know, in Singapore, we don't have that. We just pretend to be Filipinos. Do you know what I'm saying, yeah?

Every Ramadan, one of you all pretend to be... You, you look like the kind of guy that pretends. All right, you over there, you're going to... "Okay, I'm going to try this, okay. Mm. Good morning, auntie, I would like the sambal belacan, please. Good morning, auntie, thank you very much, auntie."

But, yeah, man. They get jailed in Malaysia, if you eat during Ramadan. Which is all fine. I don't wanna get involved in whatever your country wants to do. However, right, it must be very bad for the guy's street cred in jail, all right? Because the guy's street cred in jail is gonna be shit, you know? It's gonna be, "What's up with you, bro? Oh, me? Oh, I stabbed an old lady, bro." "Oh, my god!" "What's up with you, bro?" "Oh, me? Oh, bro, I robbed a house, bro." "What about you, bro?" "I had sirap bandung, bro."

And Chinese people, you know, wherever you guys talking about... Whenever you put the blame on Malay kids, this is something you guys always say that will always be ingrained in my brain. "Ahh... You never do your homework." If you did your homework, they go, "Aha... Teacher said don't do first."

I think we need to have that guy in every political situation, you know. Right? They go, "You and your brother and your sister fight over the house because your father left you the house."

Are we gonna talk about it? Let's fucking talk about it.

So we're talking about 38 Oxley Road, right? This has been all over the news, ladies and gentlemen. All over the news, okay. Brother, sister of the first family, fighting over a house, right? The house costs 24 million dollars. Twenty-four million dollars. In the Singaporean mind, two things.