Hannah Berner: We Ride at Dawn

An announcer introduces Hannah Berner to the stage in Philadelphia. After performing a brief worm dance, she greets the crowd with, "What the fuck is up, Philadelphia?!" and tells them to sit down. She notes that she is 32 years old and discusses the societal pressures women face upon turning 30, from skincare routines to commercials warning that men will no longer notice them. latestnetflix.com's take is that she looks forward to reaching an age where she is "unkidnappable."

Berner speaks about experiencing depression, anxiety, and chronic fatigue. When she visited a doctor to ask what was wrong with her, he replied, "You haven't drank water since 1994." She calls the requirement to drink gallons of water a conspiracy theory for women and compares large Stanley water bottles to pails carried by pilgrims. She then surveys the audience about their beverage choices, including black coffee, Mountain Dew, Diet Coke, and espresso martinis.

While discussing the cost of espresso martinis, she speaks with a woman in the front row named Isis, whose middle name is Persephone. Berner remarks on the names and tells the crowd, "You'll see it on Netflix."

Moving to politics, Berner explains that she did research on TikTok regarding abortion and guns. Modifying a common slogan, she states, "Guns don't kill people. Men kill people." She suggests that legally, only women should be allowed to have guns, shouting, "We ride at dawn!" She describes how women would misplace their guns in their rooms or leave them behind in Ubers. Recalling negative comments she received online after posting this joke, she quotes a man who blamed mass shootings on mothers not raising their sons right, to which she responded, "She should have had an abortion."

Berner shifts the topic to sex, telling the audience, "Sex is not consistently as good as society makes it seem." She asks a lesbian in the crowd how she knows when sex is finished, and the woman replies, "You get very, very tired." Berner contrasts this with heterosexual experiences and criticizes unrealistic sex scenes in movies, such as men placing women on dirty kitchen counters.

She calls for realistic depictions of sex in films, including bodily noises and awkward positions. She describes losing rhythm while on top of a partner and accidentally bending his penis. She also recounts losing her virginity and lists her specific requirements to achieve an orgasm: "My legs have to be perfectly straight. I have to have zero work emails on my phone. And I need to be alone."

Addressing the men in the audience, she talks to a man named Eric and another named Kevin, teasing Kevin about his beard, glasses, and hat. She then returns to Isis to ask about dating apps like Hinge and Bumble. Berner blames her own poor taste in men on Disney princes, asking the audience to name characters so she can critique them. She goes through Prince Eric, Aladdin, Hercules, Prince Charming, Simba, Gaston, Shrek, Flynn Rider, John Smith, and Captain Hook, before defending the Beast from *Beauty and the Beast* because he is tall and owns a mansion with a library.

After complimenting a bald man in the crowd who turns out to be an audience member's father, Berner announces, "I actually got married, you guys." She explains that she married an older man, noting that she appreciates how tired he is. She briefly compares bachelor parties to bachelorette parties, calling bachelorette trips "cults" where bridesmaids lose money and are forced to wear matching bikinis.

Berner asks the crowd about their wedding nights, prompting Kevin to admit he drank beer and took a "dick pill" at noon on his wedding day. Berner shares that on her own wedding night, she realized she had forgotten to take her birth control for two weeks and was ovulating. The next morning, she asked her 47-year-old husband if he wanted a baby, and after he said he wanted to travel, she told him, "Let's travel to Walgreens, your favorite place, 'cause I need to get Plan B." She describes the ordeal of asking a store employee to unlock the Plan B case and struggling to open the plastic packaging.

Continuing to describe life with an older partner, she recounts a date at a small Italian restaurant where she ordered burrata. Her partner told her, "I think I'm gonna faint," and asked for an ambulance. When the waitress called 911 and the table was moved, Berner asked him for his wallet to pay the bill, and he yelled, "I'm fucking dying here. You need my fucking wallet?" An EMT arrived, recognized he was having a panic attack about their upcoming wedding, and advised him to drink water instead of Diet Coke. Before leaving the restaurant, her partner stood up and announced to the diners, "It wasn't the food. Have a good night."

Berner mentions her father's complaints about her phone usage and talks to a 38-year-old audience member who does not use TikTok. She observes that young children on TikTok are strong from surviving Tide Pods and jokes about a rude child named Jeremy whom she used to babysit.

Returning to relationship topics, she admits, "I have intimacy issues," and details the physical discomfort of being the "small spoon" while cuddling, as well as the difficulty of matching her breathing to her partner's when resting her head on his chest. As she advises the audience against having sex in the shower due to differing water temperature preferences and men's lack of hair conditioner, and she describes the awkward physical mechanics of sitting on a man's face.

Finally, Berner asks the audience if she should have children, noting the mixed messages she receives from mothers. She shares that she recently became an aunt after her brother and his wife had a baby. Closing her set, she brings up Nick Cannon having 12 children and reveals that one of his kids is named Powerful Queen Cannon, concluding, "Because that's the name of my vibrator." She thanks Philadelphia and exits the stage.