Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact

She opens in Los Angeles to cheering and music. She says, "Don't make me like you." latestnetflix.com's view is that she notices young people near the front and speaks to a 27-year-old woman named Libby.

She talks about drinking on tour. She says she used to black out and that nothing good happens in a blackout. She describes waking with a potato skin like an eye patch and dried ice cream on her neck.

She says, "I just turned 40. Again." She talks about preaching confidence and then getting her skin lasered. She describes paying for a laser to the face, turning blood-red, skin falling off, and then, six to eight weeks later, "you look exactly the same."

She talks about facial filler that was later dissolved, and about liposuction followed by gaining the weight back. She says she would rather have major surgery than be a little hungry once. She jokes about an orthopedic insert and storing nuts for winter.

She talks about being handed new insecurities. A friend tells her she is short-waisted. An acupuncturist tells her she has a hump on the back of her neck. He calls it a widow's hump and advises holding her neck back further.

She tells a story about a dinner party at a rich man's house. A friend warns beforehand that he is blind but it is a secret. At the house he cooks, misses glasses, and dinner takes a long time. She keeps mentioning vision by accident, including asking about watching The Watcher and asking how long he and his girlfriend have been seeing each other.

She says her crowd is tired and no one will tackle anyone. She describes sitting down without the remote and waiting for her partner to enter the room. She talks about her young son and getting used to failing as a parent.

She explains his first name is Gene after her husband's mother and his last name is Fischer. She says she wanted to honor Dave Attell with the middle name Attell. She says sitting on the couch a month in, she understood the full name sounded like "Genital Fissure." She says they changed the middle name.

She asks if anyone is pregnant and talks about advice given to pregnant women. A friend urged prenatal yoga, so she signed up for a C-section. She says some women feel they failed without vaginal birth, and jokes about still shifting and filling up in the bath.

She talks about hyperemesis gravidarum through pregnancy and being told it has not been studied because it only happens to women. She talks about severe endometriosis and a hysterectomy that removed her uterus and found cysts and a tumor in her appendix. After surgery a man on the street hears she had her uterus removed and answers, "You should get it back!"

She recalls a seizure in the balcony during a show the previous weekend. House lights came up and she asked for a doctor. No doctor responded, and about forty nurses were present but drunk. She says she sleeps badly and does not want melatonin or advice to turn off her phone before bed.

She talks about a study finding social media harmful to young girls. She demonstrates angles straight on and turned, and describes twelve-year-old girls taking selfies with knowledge of their good side. She contrasts that with yearly photos at age twelve, whole milk with every meal, and bad skin.

She says she texts her high school friends intimately. One night drinking with them, they text their husbands to ask for phone sex. Her husband writes back, "Fuck you." Another writes too tired, another says when the kids go to bed, and Andrea's husband calls immediately.

She says her friends came with her when she hosted the Oscars. At first they react to Ryan Reynolds and Taylor Swift, then grow accustomed. She says her friend Jess smokes and remarks that Meryl Streep is chatty. She says marriage so far is finding someone who can stand you.

She describes fighting with her husband before seeing Top Gun. He says he does not want to be near her, then leaves and returns to walk beside her. She quotes her view as "Find someone who can fucking stand you."

She talks about meeting Alec Baldwin's wife Hilaria backstage at SNL and hearing a thick Spanish accent. She recounts a cooking segment with trouble saying cucumber, many children with Spanish names, and then says the woman is Hillary from Boston. She adds that her husband shot someone, and repeats that neither of them give a fuck.

She says married people plan sex for tomorrow and then treat it like bowling. Her husband turns lights on while she turns them off. She says sex with a spouse feels strange because he is family. She says, "You're my emergency contact for Christ's sake!"

She says her husband is on the autism spectrum and that diagnosis helped communication. She gives examples of him walking away from long stories and saying she looks comfortable. She quotes telling him the last years were the best of her life, and him answering about putting the car windows up. She closes with his words before the show, "it's too late."