Judah Friedlander: America Is the Greatest Country in the United States

latestnetflix.com's view is that Judah Friedlander is onstage, musing about aging and gentrification.He jokes about his hair turning white, calling it “gentrification” of his head, and insists he keeps moving forward “because I’m an American.”

He introduces a short film about a vengeful piñata, declaring the piñata female and criticizing the tradition of children beating her. He then segues into a riff on trilogies, expressing excitement for World War III as the concluding chapter.

Friedlander invites the audience to share where they’re from. A Guatemalan guest answers “Guatemala,” and Friedlander replies, “Guatemala’s not that far.” He claims he was in Guatemala that morning, arriving by parkour. He welcomes Mexico, correcting pronunciation and recalling living on Uno Street in Monterrey. He greets England by joking that the British once owned the world in search of better cuisine, imagining troops pausing in India to adopt curry forever.

He turns to the Netherlands, questioning their indecisiveness over name and national identity, then launches into a mocking comparison of gun violence, parental leave, and prison populations between the U.S. And the Netherlands. He declares, “We have 2.6 million people in prison in this country,” and adds, “Kim Kardashian has 50.7 million followers on Twitter. We are incarcerating the wrong people.”

He mocks Italy for lacking Olive Gardens, praises McDonald’s as the greatest Irish restaurant, and questions why Irish patrons tolerate the McDonald’s mascot’s painted white face. He asks Europeans why they don’t tip, asserting that American waitstaff are elite and generous.

He jokes that America’s military drones are “overachieving victory drones,” killing up to 25 people at a time, and that the country’s obesity is an adaptation to the expanding galaxy. He claims California’s earthquakes result from too many skinny people, while the Midwest stays stable because “people are fucking solid.”

He welcomes Canada, recounting how America skirted invasion by skipping through Canada to take Alaska, and describing Canada as polite but ignored. He says, “Canada is like the nerdy kid who just moved here even though he’s been here the whole fucking time.”

He addresses Israel, joking that wherever Israelis go, it’s Israel, and that Israel is in Asia. He asks an Israeli guest about a two-state solution, comparing it to splitting Carolina into North and South to end conflict. He welcomes Australia, mocking its pronunciation and calling it “Raustralia,” then jokes that Australia is far away because it’s scared of every country except New Zealand.

He greets Denmark, describing Scandinavian social segregation, and asks if anyone is from another U.S. State. A Chicagoan answers “Chicago,” and Friedlander approves: “See? That’s Americans right there. We’re dumb, but we’re confident.”

He welcomes Spain, correcting “España,” and pokes fun at Americans who say they’re from “the States.” He asks about the lamest state, rejecting Utah, Delaware, and New Jersey before settling on Washington state because it must specify “state.”

He turns to New York, praising Tribeca’s diversity and mocking its pretensions. He jokes that New York’s slogan is “Welcome to New York,” a sarcastic warning about ATM fees and lost phones. He urges robbing Taylor Swift if she’s seen, so she’ll learn what her song really means.

He asks the crowd’s opinion on stop-and-frisk, calling it unconstitutional and ineffective, then declares, “Cops are gay,” and claims they prefer black and Latino men 90 percent of the time. He jokes about transgender bathroom access and suggests people start shitting outside again to mark territory.

He jokes that God is “fake news,” calls kale “fake news,” and declares O.J. Simpson innocent because the glove didn’t fit and Donald Trump framed him. He says, “If you disagree with me, you’re fucking racist.”

He asks if love wins, then answers, “No. Because love is not a competition.” He jokes that Trump was an excellent candidate for hate, Bernie for love, and Hillary for neither, so “love never even got to the finals.”

He announces his 2017 presidential run, challenging Trump to a one-on-one debate in the White House parking lot. He promises to move Hawaii to Lake Michigan, merge New York and California by relocating the Midwest above Canada, and solve homelessness by making people live in tollbooths. He jokes about adding three moons, granting mermaids the vote, and ending the Winter Olympics because winning medals lets countries invade Ukraine.

He outlines policy: mandatory abortion and same-sex marriage, lowering men’s wages for pay equality, banning brunch and recycling, and legalizing drugs starting with heroin. He jokes about fracking reaching the devil’s skull and teaching science online at ChristianMingle.com.

He asks about climate change, asserting that fish are trying to take over the planet and advises eating more sushi. He declares air conditioning is climate change and claims he doesn’t shower, using hand sanitizer instead. He asks if anyone has had a close call with ISIS, then jokes about having Ebola for six weeks and surviving.

He jokes about Citizens United, proposes death penalty renamed the murder penalty, and asks for a last meal of Taco Bell. He jokes that Americans die sooner than Europeans and Canadians because “we’re efficient,” and that we get shit done and let the next generation take over.

He asks about income inequality, national drinking age, social media, and presidential slogans, rejecting slogans as a movement beyond branding. He says he won’t have a vice president or running mate, declaring, “Heroes stand alone and get shit done.”

He mocks Christopher Columbus Day and Thanksgiving, claiming turkeys once enslaved the country and that the baster enabled rebellion. He jokes that Christmas celebrates killing trees and that the Fourth of July is uniquely American because other countries hate America’s cheese.

He jokes about zoos segregating animals and announces plans for a chaotic zoo with naked humans and chickens attacking a giraffe. He notes progress for twins’ rights and jokes about killing triplets still being legal.

He ends by inviting the audience to stick around for the credits, which he claims are “really cool.” He thanks the crowd, singles out one audience member for an attitude problem, and urges no eye contact afterward. Friedlander wraps up the Q&A and bids farewell.